Couples Counseling
All relationships experience difficulties, how you manage those Challenges can make or break a relationship.
Is your relationship stuck in a rut?
Stagnant?
Got too much drama?
Experiencing frequent conflicts, repetitive arguments and disappointments?
Are micro-grievances and glacial grudges reaching a tipping point?
Are unmet expectations and adverse circumstances causing distress?
Are you growing apart?
Intimacy Issues
It is not intimacy unless you experience both love and hate for one another. How you work with the range and variety of how those feelings come up effects the quality of your relationship. Often our expectations of how relationships ought to be don’t measure up to the reality of how they are or what we imagine other couples might have. If there is an idea we should always feel like we are in love or that things should be a particular way, then a longterm relationship is going to disappoint and frustrate. Add in kids and other circumstances that come along and everything gets more complex. Whatever kind of partnership you are in, they all offer opportunities for growth.
The immediate issue is almost always the tip of the iceberg. What’s underneath the arguments, communication difficulties, the feeling that something is not working? Maybe it’s obvious like an affair or it might be less clear like a general agitation at the way your partner chews their food. An affair is a problem in and of itself, and what led the affair is usually more complicated. Annoyance at the way your partner does things can be a result of many things, from not enough sleep to to not enough quality time together. And sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, if the trash does not get taken out, if the “have too’s,” like chores and finances are not equitably shared, if there is an uneven power dynamic, a lack of emotional connection or sexual intimacy, a history of micro-grievances can build up overtime and become glacial sized grudges.
Whats normal in a relationship?
Every relationship has a few shadows: the stuff thats unspoken, the dark matter that shapes day to day interactions; unspoken expectations, implicit agreements and disagreements, silent grudges, secrets… Past experiences within current relationships and previous relationships of all kinds shape how couples understand each other and the dynamics going on between them. Naming and exploring these dynamics brings awareness. By making the implicit explicit in couples therapy relationships become more manageable. At the very least the issues and problems become more clear.
Whether you are in a longterm partnership, a marriage or some other configuration of a primary relationship, couples counseling is beneficial no matter how you get along. The benefit from exploring the dynamics and desires that occur in relationships is a more conscious understanding of what is being agreed to, what the other is willing to be a part of, where the boundaries are and healthier communication habits.
Is there hope for our relationship?
The solution to relationship difficulties often lies in communication. Both partners need to be able to express themselves and listen to one another. Part of the issue is being able to express needs, desires and experiences that go beyond blame and accusations, in ways that do not cause the other partner to shut down and give up. The other part is to be able to listen to what each other has to say, even when it is difficult to hear, even when you start to feel defensive. You don’t have to agree with someone to understand their point of view. Even in war its to your advantage to know where your enemy is coming from.
Couples counseling is a process. The couples counselor acts as a witness to each partner’s experience, helps mediate the discussion of topics and concerns. And if needed referees conflicts that arise by helping each partner communicate what needs to be said and heard and sometimes establishing boundaries that cultivate safety, autonomy and respect. The therapy part of couples counseling is in the process of showing up in neutral territory to explore what ever tensions are causing distress and over time changing the ways in which those feelings, grievances, and desires are addressed and communicated.
Concerns about couples counseling
Does it Cost too Much?
Is it worth money to have a specific space and time to address the issues in your relationship and work towards navigating your relationship with more ease? Couples counseling is an investment. Is it worth investing in your relationship? It is also and investment in your own well being. If you are married, particularly with children, it is most likely less costly than a divorce. Most couples start off weekly and as we get to know each other and what you are dealing with taper off to every two weeks and then monthly or as needed.
Will you take sides?
Part of my job a couples counselor is to not take sides. My focus will be on tracking the tensions in your relationship and reflecting back to you the patterns and disconnects that seem to be causing issues between you. I will work at helping each of you voice your own experiences, discontents and desires, I will work at helping each of you to hear what the other person is saying and I will help you negotiate solutions, agreements and boundaries.
What if I cannot get my partner to come with me to therapy?
You can always come on your own. I often work with individual clients where the primary focus is on their relationship. I can help you identify your needs and desires, work on how you communicate and advocate for yourself and help you set boundaries. Being able to ask for what you want and negotiate conflicts within relationships is a life skill that everyone needs, no matter the relationship. Having a private space to reflect on the relationships that are important to you is an investment in your well-being.
What if it does not work?
How will know you know if it does work? What does “work” mean?
The goals of couples therapy varies depending on the couple. Discovering if the relationship is workable in terms of what each partner feels like they need in order to stay in the relationship is a process. Sometimes breaking up is the workable solution. Couples counseling can highlight the parts of the relationship that are malleable and the parts that are fixed. For example it might be possible to change how you ask for something you need or desire, but it might not be possible to not have that need or desire. Learning to process your emotional reactions with one another, to be able to express and hear each other, might not change the circumstances that are causing those feelings. For some couples that is good enough. For others a change in circumstances is required. You will learn something about being in relationship, like what your needs are and ways to communicate with others. If what you learn in couples counseling does not work in your current relationship it will translate to your next one. It is an investment that works in any relationship you have, including the one you have with yourself.